“It is you who’s fucked”
I want to start this review with three messages. The first to director Franck Richard, close but no cigar mate. You almost made my Hall Of Shame but you made the mistake of casting two good actors in your abysmal heap of crap. My second message is to The Pack’s lead actress Emilie Dequenne, don’t worry you are a young talented actress & we all make mistakes. I’m sure your career will recover & hopefully you will be a huge success. Thirdly & finally Phillipe Nahon. You are an obviously talented actor. You have proved that in movies like I Stand Alone, Carne & Haute Tension, so why do you keep making crap films like The Pack & The Ordeal? As for The Pack, well let’s not beat around the bush, it’s fucking appalling.
Charlotte is driving aimlessly through the French countryside when she picks up a hitchhiker named Max. The two stop at an isolated cafe run by a woman named La Spack. After a fight with a biker gang which is broken up by La Spack holding a shotgun, Max goes to the bathroom & disappears. Charlotte looks around for Max, even asking the local retired policeman Chinaski to help her find him. After dark Charlotte goes back to the cafe to look for Max but is attacked & knocked unconscious by La Spack & wakes to find herself tied up in a cage. Charlotte then finds out Max is actually La Spack’s son. The question then becomes what does La Spack want with Charlotte & why is she keeping her alive?
Ok that is enough of a plot synopsis, because if you think what I have already described sounds amateurish, the second half of the movie is way worse. I mean seriously if anyone out there has watched this & thought it was good I want whatever drugs you are taking because you must be on some serious class A shit! Even Troma & Asylum don’t make movies this bad. If you want to know where Steve Hewitt (ex Placebo drummer) went, he is making really crap French horror movies! (ok it’s not Steve Hewitt but the actor playing Max, Eric Godon is his spitting image) In that respect I hope Eric can play the drums because he really can’t act. Sadly he isn’t the worst actor in this mess. the three guys playing the biker gang re-define awful. Then again just about everything in this movie is awful. It doesn’t even know what type of movie it is. The beginning plays like a straightforward backwoods horror & turns 180 degrees halfway through to become just about the lamest zombie movie ever made. it makes Nights Of Terror look like Dawn Of the Dead. As I mentioned in my opening paragraph Emilie Dequenne & Philipe Nahon are good actors & they really try their hardest with their respective roles. Dequenne gives her all as the tough but likeable heroine & Nahon is his usual professional self as the ineptly comic Chinaski. Yolande Moreau puts in a decent performance as La Speck but that is as good as it gets. Awful plot, crap SFX, lousy zombies, no sense of tension, pacing & a muddled story with a truly awful clichéd ending. The Pack is a celluloid nightmare & an insult to anyone with two brain cells to rub together.
I can honestly say I have had more fun having kidney stones than watching The Pack. A steaming turd of a movie that fails on almost every level. How the hell do these movies get distributed? Avoid at all costs.
“He must have the smallest penis in the galaxy”
I will admit I was one of the many people around the world that got hooked by the Iron Sky hype juggernaut months ago & have been waiting impatiently to see the movie for ages. After all it has space nazis, I mean come on, space nazis! That’s just fucking cool! This situation was not helped by Iron Sky’s UK distributor who first put the movies release back two months then only released it for one day on the big screen! Finally this week I got the chance to see the movie & I will admit I was apprehensive that the movie could never live up to the months of waiting & massive internet hyperbole. I need not have worried, Iron Sky is pure entertainment & quite frankly as funny as fuck.
I’m sure you all know the plot by now but here goes. The film begins with a maned American moon landing. The mission has been devised by the president of the United States & her aide as a publicity stunt to help her get re-elected by putting the first black man on the moon. The other astronaut discovers a giant nazi moon base but is soon shot. The nazis capture James Washington (the black astronaut) & once inside the moon base he is interrogated by Klaus Adler who harbours ambitions to be the new Führer. Washington also meets Renate Richter, Adler’s idealistic but naive fiance. After the head nazi scientist examines Washington’s phone he reasons that he can use the technology to power the nazi’s ultimate war machine, the Gotterdammerung, a massive space battleship. The only problem is one phone isn’t enough to power the ship so Adler, Renate & an albino Washington (the nazi’s used a drug on Washington to aryanise him) head to earth to obtain more computing power before the invasion of earth begins.
I have to say this movie lived up to all of my expectations & several times had me crying with laughter. The president (an obvious Sarah Palin pastiche) & her fashion, sex & power obsessed aide Vivian Wagner are pure comedy gold. The pair almost steal the entire movie. Some of Wagner’s lines in the last half hour of the movie are just brilliant. Having said that every cast member is superb. Julia Dietze is wonderful as the idealistic nazi that doesn’t know anything about the dark side of fascism. Should I feel guilty for finding Ms Deitze incredibly sexy in a revealing nazi uniform complete with a rather fetching mini skirt? Gotz Otto is great as Klaus Adler, a really slimy, nasty piece of work & the perfect villain to Renate’s naivety. The SFX are CGI but on the whole handled well, as is the heavy use of green screen. The whole movie has an epic look to it which is in direct contrast to its low-budget. Along with the comedy there are plenty of action scenes to keep the audience entertained. There are also a host of nods, winks & pastiches of other movies in Iron Sky. If I was to level any criticism at Iron Sky it would be that the middle third of the film plods a little & maybe could have done with a bit more editing. But please trust me this is a minor quibble & doesn’t detract from the sheer enjoyment of the movie. The films final third is just insanely good. The scenes at the UN are hysterical, especially the North Korean ambassador. This movie has everything space nazis, mad scientists, meteor blitzkrieg, space battles, insane presidents etc. Iron Sky is frankly one cool as fuck movie. Director Timo Vuorensola & everyone involved in the making of this movie should pat themselves on the back for a job well done. There isn’t really much more I can say.
Maybe this movie shouldn’t be reviewed here, after all it isn’t a horror film & it’s only partially subtitled (the nazis speak German & the rest of the cast English) But you know what? Fuck it, my site, my rules! Iron Sky is quite simply pure entertainment & comes highly recommended by me.